Viral infection prevented.

By City Staff

Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink. This was indeed the case yesterday as the City's department for water management revealed that a potentially life threatening biological agent was detected within the City Reservoir, causing widespread panic and effectively shutting the facility down. The disease known as Cholera was detected by automated systems in the early hours of the morning, preventing a pandemic. However, the agent can be spread easily through water, causing dehydration, diarrhea and even death to those contaminated. The severity of the situation made workers act quickly to suspend the water supply.

It is not clear exactly how the disease was introduced to the reservoir, but officials investigating the scene found broken glass on a bank at the edge of the open reservoir yesterday. Environmental groups were quick to label the act 'despicable' and 'an act of cowardice' while bottled water manufacturers reported a 31% increase in sales for that day.

An expert in the classification of harmful biological agents, Andy Wimpress, agreed to clarify the unfolding situation.

How easy is it for someone to obtain this bacteria?

Andy Wimpress: Well, this isn't off the shelf stuff, I'll tell you that. If you have the right contacts you could get hold of it, I guess. What makes you think this was intentional, anyway? Diseases are well known to spread from person to person.

You are required to classify and investigate diseases. What progress is there into the prevention and possible eradication of such harmful agents?

AW: Progress? Well if I did that then I wouldn't have a job! Diseases are my bread and butter.

What sort of disruption or damage could cholera have caused on a large scale?

AW: It's only child's play compared to some of things I've studied.

Finally, is it possible for a member of the public to own a culture for Cholera?

AW: Well no, it's definitely impossible that an individual in the public could have a concentrated dose to start a culture.

A Water Management and Authority watchdog, along with the police, have not ruled out vandalism and are treating the case as suspicious. City officials are appealing for witnesses, and urge anyone with information to come forward. If you are concerned for your health, consult your doctor as treatment is widely available. Rest assured though, water treatment safeguards were, and continue to be, in place to detect and filter potentially damaging anomalies.

Dozens of citizens blinded by magnesium

By City Staff

Various reports have been filed in recent weeks regarding a new craze that's reached the streets of the city. Many unlucky individuals have been victim of this new prank and City Officials are taking this matter seriously.

"We're faced with a new kind of extreme stunt," a local police official stated. "Using magnesium, an individual is able to project a white flash strong enough to temporarily blind an unsuspecting onlooker."

In some cases nausea, headaches, and dizziness have been reported as side effects by victims with sensitive eyes. With crime in the city always a concern, the possibility of subjects becoming victims of more than just a scary prank is also a real concern. Due to the scarcity of magnesium, however, officials expect these incidents will diminish.

"It's been difficult to come up with eye witnesses when the victims are always blinded first, but we already have one suspect and we're fairly certain there's only one other culprit involved. It's only a matter of time until we find them and stop them."

Citizens are asked to report any unusual activity, especially bright flashes, to their local authorities. To prevent side effects, it is recommended to not look directly at suspicious individuals. Stay away from dark areas where there are few people. Wearing sunglasses can also help protect the retina against the intense flashes.

News Briefs

Bathary Row warehouses all "a-buzz". The docks of Bathary Row are not for the casual pedestrian under any circumstance, what with territorial dock workers and overzealous supervisors. Full story: page M3.

City Authorities arrested four juveniles responsible for a plague of graffiti markings that suddenly appeared in South Vauxton recently. "Graffiti is a major problem in this city, but I hope we can set an example with those we manage to apprehend," the chief said. The offenders are currently serving community service cleaning up their mess.

Sugar is in! Welkins Confections has released a new line of vitamin enriched candies they claim will add years to your life. “We're very excited about this product, and are exploring even more avenues of advertising,” a spokesperson said. No comment was made on the overall health consequences of consuming sugary products, however.

Weather officials expect high temperatures for the next few weeks but a relatively mild summer. One official claimed, “We may see some record numbers on a few days in the next month or two, but several cooler fronts and patterns have been projected to move through in early June.”


William O. Perret

It's been a long time...

...and I'm back people! Let me tell you, three years at an institution does wonders for the soul, and from what I've been seeing and hearing lately there are many others out there who could benefit from an extended vacation at a resort where the staff wears white coats and there's a straight-jacket waiting for any and all who may need that little extra incentive to relax.

Delusion seems to be the flavor of the month, every month.

Take note, you conspiracy theorists, cultists, pill-poppers and other crazies out there — there is no bogey man; the men in dark suits are nothing but government paper pushers whose lives are even more boring than yours (if that's at all possible); drugs that weren't prescribed by a licensed physician are bad for you, and believing everything you hear and read is not only stupid, but hazardous to your mental health!

Finally, to all you freaks hanging by the phone booths I have a little piece of advice: Go to a park, take a stroll through Chinatown, or have a drink at your local bar — there's a whole city out there. Stop waiting for your destiny to call and go find it!

There's only this one life, citizen — make the most of it.