Warehouse District Fly Problem

Bathary Row warehouses all “a-buzz”

The docks of Bathary Row are not for the casual pedestrian under any circumstance, what with territorial dock workers, and overzealous supervisors, not to mention whichever gang claims the area as their turf this week.

Currently, this beleaguered area is suffering another problem: flies. Hundreds of thousands of the common insects have taken up residence among the warehouses, causing several disturbances, and even causing one dock worker to report that he had been attacked by a “giant fly monster,” according to one supervisor's story. Port Authority officials have said that the man who made this report to police had been working double shifts, and possibly suffered a nervous breakdown. They are not denying, however, the abnormally large concentration of flies in the dock area.

As usual, City Officials are downplaying the impact, saying that the flies most likely arrived with a shipment made from overseas, and will move off once cooler temperatures arise. They stress that the flies aren't much more than a nuisance, and haven't really caused any serious damage other than scaring a few folks. They add that there is nothing to be concerned about, however, if you do find yourself in the midst of a swarm it's best to turn, and run in the opposite direction. It is readily apparent that no clean up effort is being planned for the Bathary Row area in the near, or even distant, future.

Dear Aunt Ella

Men have always been a problem for us women. The more I think about it, the more I think they just get in the way sometimes. This next question comes from a woman who is finally starting to realize what I've been talking about all these years:

Dear Aunt Ella, my boyfriend just asked me to marry him and I said yes! He wants to move in with me right away and I'm really excited; but I have 2 identical black cats that I've had for 7 years and he's really really allergic to cats. What should I do? Should I get rid of my cats or not move in with him? Sincerely, Kitty in Love

First of all, congratulations on your engagement! I'm sure you two will be very happy together. But I wouldn't get rid of your cats just for him. You've had them for seven years and you'll probably have them for seven more. Plus, your cats will love you forever! Who knows how long it will be until your fiancé leaves you for another woman? But hey, I'll choose a cat over a man any day. Tell your boy-toy to get some allergy medication or get out of your life, pronto!

But sometimes men need us more than they know.

Dear Aunt Ella, my boyfriend is becoming more distant each day that passes. He's always late for work, never gets enough sleep, and spends so much time on his computer it's like it owns him. There's something special between us, it's still there but he's drifting away. How can I get him back? Sincerely, Mrs. Lonely

Computer addiction is an emerging disorder, and these are classic symptoms. You've got to get him away from that thing. What he needs is a good dose of reality! Get him outside where the real world is. Take him to a party where the real people are. Remind him what a real woman is all about. No holds barred girl! If he still can't plug into the real world, get professional help. Call the city service helpline at 243-6870. It's the hardest call you'll ever have to make but you don't want to lose him to that computer!

Men aren't the only problem in this city, though. This next question should show you what is really plaguing this city, and it's not just the men this time!

Dear Aunt Ella, on my route to work and back I always have to pass by this one phone booth. That wasn't a problem until these Brick guys started hanging around it all the time. I don't really want to change my route but these Bricks people are starting to scare me. Should I tell them to move or what? Sincerely, Terrified of Bricks

These Bricks need to get a job or something. Start contributing to society instead of walking the streets at night or hanging around street corners! Are they waiting for someone to meet them? Because I've seen plenty of them in my day and not one of them ever seems to be doing anything productive. Don't ask them to move since they won't do it anyway, but don't change your route to work either. These people are like the Mafia, anyway. They mainly just whack themselves and leave the rest of us normal people alone.

Need advice? Email Aunt Ella at [email protected].