Spring is Finally Here!


City residents enjoy Springlike weather after a long, wet Winter.



Refuse Alternate Sought

By Sentinel Staff

Next month the city's long-term contract with the local landfill is up - because it's full. Unless city planners are ready to start dumping trash in vacant lots and the several building ruins tat dot the city, an option must be found. Several possibilities exist, all of them expensive. "Life, unfortunately, generates waste," a planning spokeswoman said. "The waste must be cleared, even if it causes some pain." Trucking the trash out, bargingit out, or clearing a decayed neighborhood to create an in-city landfill are all on the table.

"We hate to invoke Eminent Domain, but sometimes the best thing to do is just knock something down and start from scratch. In a few decades, we might have a lovely hill district, which is traditionally valuable real estate," said one planning expert.

This vision of a greener future rising from a troubled, decaying present is an attractive one for many in the municipal design community. Warron Mann, an advocate of tight control over urban growth, commented: "letting the masses just do their thing isn't often stable or productive.

Let experts do some long-range thinking, and it's better for everybody." Mann's latest book, The City As Machine, will be published next month.

Tourism Up, Floods Over, Spirits Soar As Sun Smiles on City

By City Staff

With crocuses sprouting and birds singing, city residents finally feel the city coming back to life.

This winter's record rains and flooding amounted to a financial bath taken by the whole city. But tourism is up, as any observer can see, by the large number of well-turned-out hipster types on the streets, the city seems poised for a revival as a cultural hot spot.

"Cities go through death-and-rebirth cycles all the time," said a spokesman for the Mayor's office. "It's a natural progression for any entity, be it living organism or municipal area."

People on the street seemed to share the optimistic spirit. One man, who gave his name as "Dexter S. Inister," said, "it's true. I feel like I've reached a new level. A lot of people have. But it's important to remember none of this is real."

Real or not, the optimism is catching. It seemed emblematic that the (still anonymous) man pretending to be Morpheus, the doom-and-gloom terrorist who preached twilight struggle, announced he's tired of the prank and has reunited with his grateful family. "Even an unbalanced person can spread doubt and fear, as this fellow did," a city spokeswoman said. "I'm glad he's feeling better, and we can move on."

Everywhere, people are congregating, practicing Asian conditioning regimes, walking with an extra spring in their step. Maybe it really is darkest just before the dawn.

Personal of the Day

By City Staff

M, we will never forget you. Love N.


Andres Bonifaciaeo

Hype A-Jumpin'

Chief, You Aren't Going to Like This Column

Newspapers are egalitarian in one way. Anybody can run an ad, as long as it isn't libelous, profane or obscene.

Ad revenue pays my salary (this paper would cost ten bucks without it), so maybe I'm biting the hand, here.

Or this column may never run, replaced by one of my all-time-hits. My consolation is that when that (rarely) happens, my bartender pal Wally pours me an evening's worth for free. Good guy, Wally. Here goes.

You know the one I mean. "All is Illusion!" "Take the red pill!" Uh huh.

The full-page ad you'll find elsewhere in this section is baloney on rye. Bull excreta. Stuff and nonsense.

Most of us got over this solipsistic fantasy at about age fourteen, when we realized the adult world we'd be grappling with the rest of our lives was affected not a whit by our wishes. It yields only to backbreaking effort, careful planning, lucky breaks, cultivated friends, and clear-eyed analysis.

These jokers seem to think you can take a (highly toxic, deadly) pill and avoid all that.

From the Editors of the Sentinel


City law enforcement authorities confirm that the street drug "red" or "red pill" is highly dangerous, resulting in multiple deaths already, and may possibly contain strychnine. The Sentinel in no way endorses illegal drug use, if that is what the advertisement is advocating. We believe it may have a metaphorical meaning, and so decided not to stand in the way of the advertiser's free speech privileges.

Spring Is Finally Here ! LIVE Black110 Spring Is Finally Here ! LIVE Spacer10 And get this - it was in cash.

Something smells worse than last summer's fish die-off at Uriah Warf.

Listen, Children, there have indeed been acrobats using rooftops as hurdles in recent days. And street magicians dazzling and frying eyeballs. Kung fu is the craze of the moment. And now this everything-you-know-is-wrong advertisement. Hype. All Hype.

Mark my words: some kind of Cirque-de-freaking-Soleil wannabe performance troupe is pulling a head trip on this poor city. Granted, there is some sense that something's coming, but ten gets you twenty it involves buying tickets.

So enjoy the joke. And don't swallow anything redder than a pinto bean. You might not be around long enough to buy your ticket.