Morpheus the New Elvis?


The number of Morpheus sightings around the city have increased over 500% since his actual death last year. Authorities claim the former terrorist has attracted a celebrity level cult that nearly rivals Elvis.


Security Advisory Board Releases Terror Alert Chart

By City Staff

The City Security Advisory Board just released a new Terror Alert Chart for citizens today. In a press conference this morning at City Hall, Security Officials say the chart is expected to speed up communications about existing threat levels throughout the city.

"When we know a terrorist act is likely inside the city, these colors will allow our Security Services to warn large numbers of citizens quickly," said City Spokeswoman Kristina Bryans.

"But the real beauty of the color system is that we can broadcast danger levels without revealing important sources and information which could jeopardize ongoing investigations or counter-terrorist operations," said Bryans.

The terror alert press conference also attracted a small group of protestors who shouted anti-security slogans at Bryans and demanded the return of human rights and civil liberty protections at City Hall.

Please See Terror Alert on A2

Pure Mosh: A Celebration of Poetry at Club Messiah

By City Staff

The annual festival kicks off at Club Messiah on Saturday, drawing poets from across the country and the world for live performances.

The centerpiece of the festival is the traditional "Rush Poem competition, wherein poets compose on the spot using themes and words supplied by drawing slips of paper from a porcelain head, referred to as "Mr. Pushmore."

Winners are picked by a group of judges, though traditionally they are swayed by audience reaction.

Returning champion (for his poem, "Mop User 'H'") Mr. P. House will be defending his title against all (invited) comers. "It's a rush being up there, doing your poem. Sometimes you freeze, and you just pore mush out of your mouth. Makes for a long, sore hump home. But when the muse is with you, it's like you're a conduit for something that already exists, a source of energy."

The festivities start at 8:00 PM, but patrons are encouraged to come early to meet and urge on the participants.

"When you see me kicking it, you'll believe in pure poetry again," said Mr. P. House. "So come on down to Club Messiah and get your lyrical groove on. You know you want too".

Reports of Deceased Terrorist Flood City, But It Isn't Morpheus

By Sentinel Staff

City law enforcement officials say the widely-sighted man purporting to be Morpheus, the infamous terrorist, is actually a local eccentric well known to authorities.

Morpheus was killed in Southern Asia last year, they said.

This man, whose identity is being withheld by request of his family, has been in and out of institutions for the past twenty years. He has at other times believed himself to be opera singer Paul Robeson, Haitian founder Toussaint L'Ouverture, anticommunist writer George Schuyler, and Jesus Christ.

His current delusion is that he is Morpheus, seeking the return of a prisoner or the body of a fallen comrade whom he believes is being held by authorities. "This is not uncommon," noted one psychiatrist familiar with the man's case. "A sense of purpose and urgency can be created in seeking an impossible goal -- in this case, the return of one who doesn't exist - that fills a need for excitement and arousal in some personalities. It's a shame, because properly directed, such personalities can actually achieve great things."

This individual is causing great consternation in a city which, several years ago, suffered serious damage from the real Morpheus, including an electrical power facility destroyed by explosives and an office building badly damaged by a crashing helicopter.

The most mysterious attack attributed to Morpheus involved scores of vehicles tossed willy-nilly by a series of explosions. The cars were thrown hundreds of feet along a straight-line route which also saw extensive damage to the first six or seven floors of buildings. But no fires were reported, nor fragmentation of pavement, nor chemical traces of explosives. The incident remains unexplained.

Law enforcement officials think Morpheus may also have been involved in the head-on collision of two semi-tractor trailers which shut down the 101 freeway for two weeks. The trucks exploded and burned so hotly virtually no wreckage was left to haul away.

"It's natural that people are upset that there's a guy running around pretending to be Morpheus," a city spokesman said. "But he is just pretending. He's a nut case. Don't panic, simply call the authorities. The poor fool should be picked up before he gets into trouble."

Personal of the Day

RIP Feronus. What you did will not be forgotten. Let others beware, and learn from these events. -M

Andres Bonifacieao

This Just In:
Rain Falls, Wets Streets

Am I missing something? Some clown says he's a deceased shaved-pated, leather-dustered bombthrower, demands the return of one unnamed thing or another, and that's news?

You'd think this town wasn't full of leathered-up dudes and dominatrixes strutting the streets and spewing nonsense about higher realities.

Wake up, people. We are, for better or worse, a magnet for these chic'ed up weirdoes. It's the culture of the town. It makes our nightclubs more colorful, and more headaches for law enforcement authorities, but there it is.

Yet my contact downtown says there's a full-on red alert for this ersatz Morpheus character (real name: We're not T. Elling).

He's using roman candles or something to punctuate the sermons about "we won" or "the one" or "the bun," or whatever. Proving that an infinite number of lemmings on an infinite number of typewriters would still use punctuation, I guess.

The family is worried sick about this guy. They're offering a reward that would pay my alimony for a year and a half. And my ex massacred me at my settlement hearing, believe me.

I guess even whack-jobs have people who care about them, sometimes. Sweet, that.

My bartender friend Wally says Morpho-lite made an appearance right in his bar. Weirdoes congregated. They wore leather, top knots - one even had a ceramic mask. Guess he thought he was the Phantom of the Opera - in a trench coat, of course.

Afterward, some of the regular crowd came in mumbling about people flying into the sky. Uh-huh. A shot or two later, talk turned to more normal topics.

What I'm getting at here is that people are basically crazy, and they lie. Don't believe all these rumors. People are having fun with you. The real world is strange and mysterious - superstrings vibrate like violins, a lion has been filmed raising an oryx - a little deer-like critter - as if it was one of its cubs. You don't have to make up shtick. Just read a little. Watch the science channel. Wonders and thrills abound, and they're true.

The real world is true.